Oh God, oh God, oh God,
Stand by Susan Ashton and Held by Natalie Grant have been in my heart all day. As I read the complete lyrics earlier this evening, I knew why.
Oh God. It is so hard to breathe. I do want to beat my chest right now. I want to run away. I want to hide. I want to cry. I want to be 9 months pregnant. Big, hot, sweaty.
Lord, I'd give up being this lovely size 8 to have Henry back. I'd so rather be heavy again than not have him. Oh God. Oh God. I'd go through being sick as a dog all over again, if I could just have him. It just hurts so much. I just want my baby. I don't understand. I don't want to understand. I just want to be done.
Why does it hurt so much, Lord? Please, tell me? When I had my miscarriage at 18, it wasn't this bad. Why is this so much worse? Why does this make my chest hurt? Why can't I get better? Why? GOD! WHY?????????? I hate this. I hate this situation. I hate it, God, I hate it! Do you hear me? I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT. There aren't words to express how angry I am right now.
I want everyone to hurt like I do right now. I want to scream and let everyone hear my pain. I want to stop hurting. I hate this. God. I'm so angry. Why would you take my baby when I was a good mommy? Why do you give children to people who can't handle them? Dammit.
I know in a little bit, the lyrics will comfort me. I will embrace the pain. I will be held. I will stand, with my face to the wind, with the storm beating down. And You'll hold me, Lord. But right now, it's the storm and I have to feel wild and hurt.
Thank you, Lord.