I can. I can.
If I can make it through til Saturday, I will be fine. Really. I'll put everything behind me.
See, here's my problem. I want to be the perfect person. I don't want to feel negative emotions. Hell, half the time, I simply don't want to feel. I wish that I could be driven by logic and reasoning rather than emotion. But it just doesn't seem to be the way that I am wired. Yet, reacting and using my emotions seems so, I don't know, weak, to me. As of yet, I haven't found strength in my emotions.
Yet, as my friend Melissa pointed out tonight, I feel things deeply. And it's true. I do. She says it is how God made me, and I guess she's right. I just don't understand why! I don't want to feel things so deeply. I know that I wouldn't be complete if I didn't feel as deeply as I do though.
Tonight, I'm awake. My emotions have kept me awake. I find myself fighting my emotions. And I wonder if it would just be easier to go with them instead of fighting them. Instead of pushing down my anger, my grief, my confusion, my fear, my whatever-- maybe I should acknowledge them. Would it take away their power if I acknowledged their existence? Would it do any good to scream? Would it do any good to cry?
When I'm on zoloft, my emotions are very numbed. I think tonight is the first time in a while that I've felt emotional enough to have tears come to my eyes. So perhaps I'll go roll with my emotions for a while. Perhaps I'll stand outside on the deck and let the warm wind blow through my mind. But then, that might be weird, since I'm in a nightgown. And it's 1 am. Yeah. Might be weird.
But I can make it through til Saturday. I can make it past Henry's due date on Friday. I can and I will.
posted by Jenette @ 9:35 PM
4 comments
4 Comments:
I think crying helps. If nothing else, sometimes it wears you out, so you can go to sleep, or just. move. on. for. the. moment. Just the moment. But sometimes it helps.
And I don't think standing on your porch in your nightgown at 1 AM would be weird. You do it, next time. That's the beauty of owning your home, right? :-) Weird neighbors. Hehehe.
I;m praying for you.
Eph 3:20.
I am so sad for you Jenette, to have to approach Friday, as his due date. I think you need to go on the porch and take a deep breath. Breath it all in and absorb the fresh air, look at your beautiful surroundings, go back inside, walk up to Eathans room, give him a kiss on the forhead, kiss on Aarrons forhead, and have a soothing sleep.
And like Sarah has commented, CRY it out, the zoloft is masking it and keeping it mellow, but the sadness is still there, and needs to cry out.
I want to give you a huge hug and take your loss away. I will pray for your healing to be less painful, and you and Aarron are there for one another.
You should go to the Pampered Chef party to get your mind set on happy times, and if you feel you want to go home leave early. Home cooked treats are comforting, and a Pampered Chefs Party includes that along with friends to be with on your Friday.
thinking and praying for all of you
Post a Comment
<< Home