Oh God

Oh God, oh God, oh God,

Stand by Susan Ashton and Held by Natalie Grant have been in my heart all day. As I read the complete lyrics earlier this evening, I knew why.

Oh God. It is so hard to breathe. I do want to beat my chest right now. I want to run away. I want to hide. I want to cry. I want to be 9 months pregnant. Big, hot, sweaty.

Lord, I'd give up being this lovely size 8 to have Henry back. I'd so rather be heavy again than not have him. Oh God. Oh God. I'd go through being sick as a dog all over again, if I could just have him. It just hurts so much. I just want my baby. I don't understand. I don't want to understand. I just want to be done.

Why does it hurt so much, Lord? Please, tell me? When I had my miscarriage at 18, it wasn't this bad. Why is this so much worse? Why does this make my chest hurt? Why can't I get better? Why? GOD! WHY?????????? I hate this. I hate this situation. I hate it, God, I hate it! Do you hear me? I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT. There aren't words to express how angry I am right now.

I want everyone to hurt like I do right now. I want to scream and let everyone hear my pain. I want to stop hurting. I hate this. God. I'm so angry. Why would you take my baby when I was a good mommy? Why do you give children to people who can't handle them? Dammit.

I know in a little bit, the lyrics will comfort me. I will embrace the pain. I will be held. I will stand, with my face to the wind, with the storm beating down. And You'll hold me, Lord. But right now, it's the storm and I have to feel wild and hurt.

Thank you, Lord.

I can. I can.

If I can make it through til Saturday, I will be fine. Really. I'll put everything behind me.

See, here's my problem. I want to be the perfect person. I don't want to feel negative emotions. Hell, half the time, I simply don't want to feel. I wish that I could be driven by logic and reasoning rather than emotion. But it just doesn't seem to be the way that I am wired. Yet, reacting and using my emotions seems so, I don't know, weak, to me. As of yet, I haven't found strength in my emotions.

Yet, as my friend Melissa pointed out tonight, I feel things deeply. And it's true. I do. She says it is how God made me, and I guess she's right. I just don't understand why! I don't want to feel things so deeply. I know that I wouldn't be complete if I didn't feel as deeply as I do though.

Tonight, I'm awake. My emotions have kept me awake. I find myself fighting my emotions. And I wonder if it would just be easier to go with them instead of fighting them. Instead of pushing down my anger, my grief, my confusion, my fear, my whatever-- maybe I should acknowledge them. Would it take away their power if I acknowledged their existence? Would it do any good to scream? Would it do any good to cry?

When I'm on zoloft, my emotions are very numbed. I think tonight is the first time in a while that I've felt emotional enough to have tears come to my eyes. So perhaps I'll go roll with my emotions for a while. Perhaps I'll stand outside on the deck and let the warm wind blow through my mind. But then, that might be weird, since I'm in a nightgown. And it's 1 am. Yeah. Might be weird.

But I can make it through til Saturday. I can make it past Henry's due date on Friday. I can and I will.

Little Moments

So today, I met with my new individual therapist. She's a keeper. I think I'll do well with her. Anyhow, we were talking about Henry, and the loss of my grandfather last year. We talked about God. She's a Christian.

I told her this story and I wanted to share it with y'all.

Yesterday evening, as we were on our way to an impromptu Reds game, this was the conversation between Ethan and I, with Aaron listening.

E-- "I miss Lenny (our old cat)."

J-- "I know, honey. Sometimes I miss Grandpa Duck a lot too."

E--"When will Lenny and Grandpa Duck and Baby Henry come back from Heaven?"

J--"Well honey, they won't. When you go to heaven, you don't want to come back to earth because you like being with God."

Silence.

E--"Oh. But when God and Jesus come again, we'll see them, right?"

J and A look at each other, wondering where THIS is going.

J--"Right."

E-- "And when God and Jesus come again, it will be the end of the days, right?"

J and A look at each other in confusion--- having NEVER talked with E about their beliefs as far as the end of time, and Jesus' return. And knowing that he's not learned about that section of theology in Sunday School...

J--"That's right, honey. How did you know that?"

E--"I dreamed it at rest time today."


Back to me here.

My therapist said that it's amazing how God reaches down to us, talks to us in ways that we can understand and listen. I agree.